Eurovision 2023: First Impressions (feat. Chelsea & Brit)

• Series: Eurovision First Impressions • Tags: EurovisionEurovision 2023music

Alright, we’re back with the fourth annual Eurovision First Impressions post, taking a look at each entry into the Eurovision Song Competition for this year.

This year we have entrants from 37 countries, fewer than recent years. Bulgaria, Montenegro, and North Macedonia all withdrew citing financial constraints, which is a pity because they are all countries I am enthusiastic about seeing in the competition. (And yes, they are countries that have delivered some top tier bangers.)

My expectations are somewhat diminished, as I have foreknowledge that many of the entrants are singing primarily in English (possibly in a greater proportion than previous years), and because I have on good authority that there are a lot of rock songs in here.

Do I want Eurovision to rock?

Most certainly not.


Joining me for this endeavor is Chelsea, who you may recall from last year’s post, or from being mentioned all the time on this site.

Chelsea’s pal Brit, who has never watched any Eurovision anything ever, is also in town and her commentary enriches this post.

Together, we listened to all 37 songs for the first time, and I did my best to jot down the comments and conversation. And so, dear reader, we hope that you’ll enjoy our takes.



I’ve sorted the songs by the order that they will be performed (as it is currently best known), but this table of contents should assist with warping to any particular song of interest.


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First Semifinal, First Half





Croatia — Let 3 / “Mama ŠČ!”

We open with Croatia’s entry…


Let 3 - Mama ŠČ! | Croatia 🇭🇷 | Official Music Video | Eurovision 2023
 
Click to load YouTube video.

Steve:

Mother bought a tractor… I can translate that.

Mother loved a moron… I think I can translate that too.


I appreciated the originality, but it felt a bit like a mess. I liked the chorus, and I’m really curious how it will translate to the stage.


Brit:

The art direction was very strange, there were a lot of interesting costume choices. I was kind of confused at some point.


Chelsea:

It was unexpected.

At first, I was skeptical, but with how it kind of changed up, I got into it. I think, because of the art direction and stuff, it was one of those things where it really captured me, and I found myself staring with my mouth wide open.


Brit:

I got Empire of the Sun vibes, in that part where he had the crown with the rays coming out of it.

But why was the tractor in the Antarctic?


Chelsea:

And why were they riding missiles?


Steve:

I think they were going for a post-apocalyptic vibe like out of the stupidity of mankind.


Chelsea:

Ah, ok.

I think there was so much going on that it kind of took me out of that.


Steve’s Ranking: It’s confusing and I’m a little confused

Chelsea’s Ranking: Somewhat discombobulated but intriguing

Brit’s Ranking: Interesting start, high hopes for the next one…






Ireland — Wild Youth / “We Are One”


Wild Youth - We Are One | Ireland 🇮🇪 | Official Music Video | Eurovision 2023
 
Click to load YouTube video.

Steve:

Wow, these lyrics, like:

“We take our first breath,
and then we exhale
We give it all we got
until we fail”


Chelsea:

I just want to say something about the bags over their heads? Are they going to suffocate and is this going to stop?


Brit:

And why are their bags shiny and silver like disco balls?


Chelsea:

If I start actually listening to this, please someone help me.


Brit:

It almost sounds like a religious song.

Steve:

Yes!

Chelsea:

Christian Rock.

I’m going to say too, I can’t wait to see this live, because if they do it with the things over their heads it’s obviously not going to sound as good as it does right now. It’s going to be very muffled, like * sings some oohs with her hand over her mouth*


Steve:

I don’t think we’ll have to worry about seeing this live, because I don’t think this will pass the first semifinal vote.


Chelsea:

But I want to watch the first semifinal!


Brit’s Ranking: 🙏

Steve’s Ranking: “Open the Eyes of My Heart, Lord” did it better

Chelsea’s Ranking: 😐




Latvia — Sudden Lights / “Aijā”


Sudden Lights - Aijā | Latvia 🇱🇻 | Official Music Video | Eurovision 2023
 
Click to load YouTube video.

Steve:

It has a nice beat!

I’d like to say this is giving me Radiohead vibes, but this is giving me Muse vibes, like some band that’s ripping off Radiohead.


Chelsea:

I like their makeup.


Brit:

This is definitely much more my vibe of music, I think.


Chelsea:

I really hope all of the girls are from Latvia because they’re really beautiful. I like this a lot.


Brit:

Me too! This is the first one I really liked.


Steve: I think I liked the riffs and the rhythms and the buildups more than the actual release/chorus that I found a little boring.


Brit:

I liked the music video too.


Chelsea’s Ranking: Good enough that I’d want to check out their other stuff

Brit’s Ranking: I could listen to that one again

Steve’s Ranking: It was pretty nice





Malta — The Busker / “Dance (Our Own Party)”

The Busker - Dance (Our Own Party) | Malta 🇲🇹 | Official Music Video | Eurovision 2023
 
Click to load YouTube video.

Chelsea:

Hot sax.


Brit:

I appreciate a good sax. Joe Jonas vibes already.


Chelsea:

Definitely.


Brit:

I feel like they’re trying all of the cool things.


Chelsea:

But I love the saxophone! And I feel like the saxophone would make me come back for another listen, but the lyrics are so dumb and the music video is too.


For reference, dear reader, some lyrics:

I feel better in my sweater
I got my stereo, I’ll play you songs you know
But hey, wait, what you say?

Do you wanna dance?
Do you wanna dance? (Dance)
Do you wanna dance?
Do you wanna dance? (Dance, dance, dance)


Steve:

I 100% agree.


Brit:

The drop with the sax is so catchy.


Chelsea:

But the rest of it can go.


Steve:

By the way, I personally feel better when I have a sweater on, so you all know that about me.

Chelsea:

But how does that go with asking someone if you want to dance?

I really had high hopes. Even when you said it was Joe Jonas and I definitely agreed, I still had high hopes.


Brit:

I mean, I like Joe Jonas, but I did not like that song.

Steve:

I liked that song.


Brit:

It’s probably my second-favorite so far, but…


Brit’s Ranking: Neeext!

Chelsea’s Ranking: The only thing that saved it was that dope fuckin’ saxophone

Steve’s Ranking: It was pretty nice




Norway — Alessandra / “Queen of Kings”


Alessandra - Queen Of Kings | Norway 🇳🇴 | National Final Performance | Eurovision 2023
 
Click to load YouTube video.

Steve:

I like the chanting vibe.

Ok, with the staging this seems pretty ridiculous to me. I just wish she enunciated more.


Brit:

I do appreciate her backup dancer.


And here, we hit the pre-drop build, with this odd lyrical choice:

Lookin’ out, she calls
Lai-da-dai-di-da
Who will conquer all?
Her name is She


Steve:

This drop is tired and derivative.


Brit:

it’s overplayed.

I do like her outfit.


Chelsea:

That nice lil banshee cry.


Steve:

Well, she at least seemed hype to be doing that. A lot more hype than I was to be listening to it.


Steve’s Ranking: Forgettable

Chelsea’s Ranking: Tired

Brit’s Ranking: Was this five years ago?




Portugal — Mimicat / “Ai coração”


Mimicat - Ai Coração | Portugal 🇵🇹 | National Final Performance | Eurovision 2023
 
Click to load YouTube video.

Steve:

Thank god she’s singing in Portuguese. Maybe Baz Luhrman vibes. Definitely not what I was expecting.


Chelsea:

Moulin Rougue in Portuguese.


Brit:

I like this. She is also able to sing and dance, and I really, really can appreciate that.


Chelsea:

I like this breakdown.


Steve:

Especially with that sensuous dancing.


Chelsea:

Her backup dancers are pretty sexy.


Steve:

She hits her note too!


Brit:

And I love the beat of that. I think it’s my number one so far.


Steve’s Ranking: Unexpected and nice

Chelsea’s Ranking: I ain’t mad at it

Brit’s Ranking: Catchy and upbeat




Serbia — Luke Black / “Само ми се спава”


Steve:

My hopes are way too high for Serbia. I’m going to be disappointed. I’m sure of it.


Brit:

Luke Black is such an American sounding name.


Luke Black - Samo Mi Se Spava | Serbia 🇷🇸 | Official Music Video | Eurovision 2023
 
Click to load YouTube video.

We begin playing the song…

Brit:

I do not have high hopes.


Chelsea:

He has lipgloss on.


Steve:

Why is he singing in English?


Brit:

Is he laying in a clam?


The song starts to pick up.


Steve:

I love this!


Chelsea:

Whaaat is happening?


Brit:

I feel like I’m trapped in a very bad dream, or an acid trip. What are those?


Steve:

You’re trapped in the ’90s! I love this song. It’s so cheesy.


Chelsea:

I hate everything they’re doing on stage, but I feel like I could enjoy listening to it if I wasn’t watching the staging. It reminds me of the “Sex to the Devil” song, where it’s kinda weird, but I’m kinda into it. I hate the transformer in the background, though, it is so dumb.

Oh my god, that laugh.


Steve:

I feel like there are a lot of things that are awkward about it, but I like it.


Brit:

It was giving me some Nine Inch Nails vibes a little bit at some points.


Steve’s Ranking: A bop trapped inside of a clam

Chelsea’s Ranking: Conor Oberst on a bad trip, but a bop nonetheless

Brit’s Ranking: Manic dream party



First Semifinal, Second Half





Azerbaijan — TuralTuranX / “Tell Me More”


Steve:

I have extremely low expectations for this. Their song last year sucked so much.

TuralTuranX - Tell Me More | Azerbaijan 🇦🇿 | Official Music Video | Eurovision 2023
 
Click to load YouTube video.

Steve:

This sounds exactly like some song that already exists.

It’s giving me pathetic rap vibes too like Germany’s entry last year. Like this is just a sad mash up of bland boring junk.


Brit:

Yeah, it’s bland!


Chelsea:

What the fuck is the style in Azerbaijan?


Steve:

Definitely not this.


Brit:

The music is really strange.


Chelsea:

It’s so old school. It reminds me of Spin Doctors or some ’90s band.


Steve:

I think they just found some ’90s song in a CD bargain bin and plagiarized it.


Chelsea:

Also, are they twins? LIke they’re either twins, or they just overlapped two of the same people.


Brit:

I care so little about this song.


Steve’s Ranking: Someone tried really hard to make this forgettable and they succeeded

Chelsea’s Ranking: I mean it was boring, but I’m not gonna hate on it as much as you guys

Brit’s Ranking: “I feel bad about us”





Czech Republic — Vesna / “My Sister’s Crown”


Vesna - My Sister's Crown | Czechia 🇨🇿 | Official Video | Eurovision 2023
 
Click to load YouTube video.

Steve:

Yeah, this is exactly the style I want.

…I think.

But it feels like they are really just taking ideas from past winners. Like, a feminist pop song won (“Toy”) and a slavic electronic bop won (“Stefania”), so they mashed them together.


Chelsea:

I just wish they hadn’t done anything in English. Everything in Czech is so much better.


Brit:

The rapping is so good!


Steve:

Like it’s good, but it feels just more derivative than I’d like.


Chelsea:

It would be cool to go to Czech Republic next year though.


Steve:

Watching this, I’m thinking, did I like this better than the last one (Serbia), because I’ve already forgotten that we just listened to Azerbaijan between them.


Chelsea:

I do really like the outfits too.


Brit’s Ranking: That was just ok

Chelsea’s Ranking: I’m ready to go to the Czech Republic next year!!

Steve’s Ranking: I wish it was less derivative





Finland — Käärijä / “Cha Cha Cha”


Käärijä - Cha Cha Cha | Finland 🇫🇮 | Official Music Video | Eurovision 2023
 
Click to load YouTube video.

Brit:

Sick beat already.


Steve:

It’s heavy. And I kind of like the weird, sad boxer set up in the video.


Brit:

I could get wild to this song in Dance Dance Revolution. That’s where this song would kick ass!


Chelsea:

And it’s in Finnish.


Brit:

I like this one.


Chelsea:

I like this one too. I love the berr-berr-berr-berr-berr-berr-berr


Brit:

It reminds me of a song that would play in Misfits when they go to a crazy club.


Chelsea:

I could also go to Finland next year.


Steve:

I don’t think I’ve ever heard a song where CHA CHA CHA is voiced so aggressively.

I like the softer auto-tuned parts.


Brit:

This might be my favorite.


Steve:

I feel like it’s a little more abrasive in parts than I would want in a dance-y song, but it’s a real catchy number.



Steve’s Ranking: A fun bop

Chelsea’s Ranking: Stunning

Brit’s Ranking: 💃






Israel — Noa Kirel / “Unicorn”


Noa Kirel - Unicorn | Israel 🇮🇱 | Official Music Video | Eurovision 2023
 
Click to load YouTube video.

Brit:

Why are we on a ceiling?


Steve:

Because it would be a tired normal pop song if she was on the floor?


Let me intrude with some lyrics:

I’m gonna stand here like a unicorn
Out here on my own
I got the power of a unicorn
Don’t you ever learn?
That I won’t look back, I won’t look down
I’m going up, you better turn around
The power of a unicorn, the power of a unicorn


Brit:

What power does a unicorn have?


Steve:

Okay, the more this song gets into Eurotrash generic beats, the more I’m into it.


More lyrics:

It’s gonna be phenomen-phenomen-phenomenal
Phenomen-phenomenal


Chelsea:

I’m into this.


Brit:

I feel like this music video is, “whatever shot can she look sexy if she just stands there?”


Steve:

This dance breakdown is fucking awful


Brit:

And wait, she was a horse? This cinematography is awful.


Steve:

I guess unicorns have the power to make dinner dates less boring?


Chelsea:

I did like the refrain, whatever those phenomenal-phenomenals were doin’ in there.


Brit:

This is like on the same level as the Czech Republic for me, like trashy dance beats.


Brit’s Ranking: Unicorns aren’t real!

Chelsea’s Ranking: I liked it a lot more than I’d like to admit

Steve’s Ranking: A real mixed bag






Moldova — Pasha Parfeni / “Soarele și luna”

Steve:

I am so excited for this next one. It is quite possibly from the country I have the highest expectations for.


Pasha Parfeni - Soarele şi Luna | Moldova 🇲🇩 | Official Music Video | Eurovision 2023
 
Click to load YouTube video.

Chelsea:

Half of these I feel like I need to close my eyes for, because the music videos are just taking away from the songs.


Brit:

I like this one, this one is good.


Chelsea:

Yeah, but is this like, after Ukraine won last year everyone is adding some panflute?


Steve:

It reminds me a lot of France’s entry last year.


Chelsea:

I ain’t mad about it.


Steve:

Like, it’s a good vibe with a combo of folksy instruments, and a pretty heavy kick drum.


Chelsea:

Those ladies are pretty. I feel like the theme is twins.


Steve:

It’s good but I feel like it could have been more.


Brit:

It’s rather repetitive.


Chelsea:

It’s not as satisfying as Moldova’s entry last year.


Brit’s Ranking: Decent dance bop

Chelsea’s Ranking: My style and up my alley

Steve’s Ranking: Good, but no cigar






Netherlands — Mia Nicolai and Dion Cooper / “Burning Daylight”

Steve:

Dumb title.


Mia Nicolai & Dion Cooper - Burning Daylight | Netherlands 🇳🇱 | Official Video | Eurovision 2023
 
Click to load YouTube video.

Steve:

Yes! He’s depressed. I’m so happy. I need to have another depressing song to annoy Chelsea with.


Chelsea:

The moral is people in the Netherlands…


Brit:

I thought they were supposed to be happy.


Chelsea:

I think it rains a lot there.


Steve:

I feel like he’s not a bad singer, but I want to hear his voice without the processing.


Brit:

He also kind of looks like a member of Nickleback a little bit.


The song is a duet, and so Mia starts to appear in the video.


Chelsea:

She’s cute, but god her braids are hideous.


Steve:

Her hair does look like two rat tails.


Chelsea:

Okay, so I can definitely see this being like a very popular song in the early 2000’s, like back when P!nk did her “Family Portrait” song or whatever.


Steve:

They sure do hold their notes for a long time.

I think I like this song because I can annoy you with it, Chelsea.


Chelsea:

Like you can deal with it more than I can deal with it?


Steve: Yeah, but it’s not that interesting. ☹


Steve’s Ranking: Please be sadder next time.

Chelsea’s Ranking: I’m good to never listen to that again.

Brit’s Ranking: Meh





Sweden — Loreen / “Tattoo”


Loreen - Tattoo | Sweden 🇸🇪 | Official Music Video | Eurovision 2023
 
Click to load YouTube video.

Steve:

Ooh! She’s like between two panes of glass or something.


Chelsea:

Aah! Her nails.


Steve:

I was gonna jokingly claim I’d be into it if you had nails like that, but she’s got those weird creepy wrinkly fingers, so no.


Chelsea:

Steve, if I had those nails I’d be like, I can’t do anything. Please open a soda for me.


Steve:

This is definitely the best song Sweden has sent in the last five years or so.


Chelsea:

The problem is that they’re trying to have such big voices that they’re just belting everything out, and it makes it hard for the song to be dope.


Brit:

And it makes it hard to understand the lyrics


Steve:

Yeah


Brit:

Also it really reminds me of a song from the ’80s, but I can’t think of what it is.


Chelsea:

It could be just like a really cool dancey beat.


Brit:

She looks like she could be a performer in The Fifth Element, and only someone who’s seen that movie will know what I’m talking about. Blue lady vibes.


Chelsea’s Ranking: The louder you are the less you’re heard.

Steve’s Ranking: On the right track.

Brit’s Ranking: I’d consider that tattoo


Fun fact: we failed to mention it at all, but Loreen in fact won Eurovision way back in 2012 with her song “Euphoria.” Unfortunately, her current entry seems stuck in the eleven year old past.




Switzerland — Remo Forrer / “Watergun”


Remo Forrer - Watergun | Switzerland 🇨🇭 | Official Music Video | Eurovision 2023
 
Click to load YouTube video.

Steve:

Water gun? I thought the Swiss weren’t supposed to have weapons. I thought they were supposed to be neutral!

God, so we’re into derivative sappy ballad territory?


Chelsea:

Oh, so this is it. So, because they can’t have real guns they use shitty ballads as a weapon instead.


Steve:

This chorus isn’t that bad.


Chelsea:

The break is not what I wanted it to be.


Brit:

I hate that “soldier, soldier”


Steve:

But, but it just has such a deep meaning behind it 😏


Chelsea:

🙄

Which is?


Steve:

We can’t be soldiers, soldiers. We need to choose to become something else, and figure out how we can do something without violence. We need to run through the fields while belting out questions about what we’ve become?


Brit:

I fucking hate this song.


Steve’s Ranking: An underwhelming ballad

Chelsea’s Ranking: 🤢

Brit’s Ranking: Woof



Second Semfinal, First Half




Armenia — Brunette / “Future Lover”

Steve:

With a title like this, I am kind of pumped.


Brunette - Future Lover | Armenia 🇦🇲 | Official Music Video | Eurovision 2023
 
Click to load YouTube video.

Chelsea:

She’s got a lot of braids!


Steve:

Her outfit looks like it should be a backpack.


Chelsea:

I thought for sure she was going to rip it away and it was going to be so cool.

Brit:

The token background orchestra…


* The song picks up… *


Chelsea:

Finally


Steve:

The pacing in this is like super off.


Brit:

I’m struggling to listen to it actually.


Steve:

Like I kind of like how melodramatic and over the top it is.


Chelsea:

I like it, you guys. I really hated it at the beginning. But I like it, I like it.

It’s going to be one of my tops I think.


Brit:

The pacing just made it hard for me to listen to.


Steve:

I feel like the tempo was owned by something external to the song but I still like it. I think I’m between you guys in opinion, except I did like it before it picked up.



Steve’s Ranking: Weird pacing, but OK.

Chelsea’s Ranking: Really surprising turnaround

Brit’s Ranking: Trying too hard, a little bit, sometimes






Belgium — Gustaph / “Because of You”


Gustaph - Because Of You | Belgium 🇧🇪 | Official Music Video | Eurovision 2023
 
Click to load YouTube video.

Chelsea:

This reminds me of Backstreet Boys


Brit:

I’m gonna like this one.


Chelsea:

I like iiiiit!!

I can’t stand him, like he’s not givin’ me the vibes of this song, but…


Chelsea is now dancing.


Brit:

It kinda reminds me of a ’90s good vibe anthem. This is a song RuPaul could sing.


Chelsea:

This is like number one so far.


Brit:

I was thinking that.


Steve:

It’s good, but it’s defo not number one.


Brit:

His outfit looks like he’s wearing a series of pool floaties on his arms.


Steve:

I was thinking more, “monochrome building site,” but that’s a good description.


Chelsea:

We know what I’mma have on repeat this whole weekend.


Chelsea’s Ranking: *Breathing heavily from dancing* Def def def a banger

Brit’s Ranking: I see you Belgium

Steve’s Ranking: It was aight





Cyprus — Andrew Lambrou / “Break a Broken Heart”


Andrew Lambrou - Break A Broken Heart | Cyprus 🇨🇾 | Official Music Video | Eurovision 2023
 
Click to load YouTube video.

Steve:

The autotune is strong with this one. At least he has that handsome, chiseled look going.


Chelsea:

I love that duh-duh-duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh.

Oh my god, I love his girlfriend she’s cute. This is my type of ballad, I think. Would you consider this a ballad?

I don’t mind it.


Brit:

I don’t mind it either, now that we’re listening to it more.


Chelsea:

It’s basic, but it’s not bad.


Steve:

I hate the drop. I think it’s so tired.


Chelsea:

I like the bridge. He does something where he sings like a double beat over whatever the actual beat is, and I really like it.


Steve:

I don’t think it does for me what it does for you.

But the whole package is mostly pretty good.


Chelsea’s Ranking: Middle of the road

Steve’s Ranking: Middle of the road

Brit’s Ranking: Heard it before





Denmark — Reiley / “Breaking My Heart”


Reiley - Breaking My Heart | Denmark 🇩🇰 | Official Music Video | Eurovision 2023
 
Click to load YouTube video.

Steve:

Oh, I’m into this.


Chelsea:

I wish he wasn’t 12!


Brit:

I know!


Chelsea:

He’s cute, but…


Brit:

This is like my kind of jam. This is the kind of song I love from the teen movies that I hate to admit that I love to watch.

This is gonna be high for me.


Chelsea:

This reminds me of “Boom Clap.” It gives that same vibe.


Brit:

This is like the montage part of the teen movie.


Steve:

The song has a great understanding of dynamics. It has so many moments, and it knows how to pack those with as many hooks as it can. It manages to have a lot of repetition without feeling repetitive, which is what all good pop songs are supposed to do.


Chelsea:

I love this, it’s so cute.


Brit:

Is this like my new number one? Because it could be?


Chelsea:

Honestly, this is kind of giving me Alexander Ryback vibes. You know how he’s kind of a cute heartthrob? I could see this going a long way in the finals.


Steve’s Ranking: I’d stan it

Chelsea’s Ranking: So fucking cute

Brit’s Ranking: My teenage heart explodes


A few additional notes on Reiley. Chelsea has gone on to conclude, “he’s like J.Biebs back when J.Beibs was good.”

Additionally, his track “Let it Ring” is a certified banger, he’s actually 25 and not 12, and he’s from the Faroe Islands. Woo!






Estonia — Alika / “Bridges”


Alika - Bridges | Estonia 🇪🇪 | Official Music Video | Eurovision 2023
 
Click to load YouTube video.

*Alika opens a piano*

Chelsea:

Oh no.


Steve:

I’m very optimistic.


Chelsea:

That makes one of us.


Steve:

I’m hoping for a good ballad.


Chelsea:

I could never believe in a good ballad.


Steve:

Oh, I love those breathy noises!


Brit:

Oh my god! I was just about to say that. So weird.


Chelsea:

You guys are weird.


Brit:

I love her whole look and vibe.


Steve:

I think this song is brining it. I think it has a nice build up.


Chelsea:

She has a beautiful voice, and I look froward to hearing it live.


Steve:

I should probably be paying more attention to the lyrics to see if they justify everything else, but y’know, whatever.


Brit:

I could see this being played on one of the big hit HBO-type shows and doing really well. Imagine like a Big Little Lies-esque show, and it could be the theme, or the intro. This could actually be like the intro to a song.


Chelsea:

I liked how it ended so abruptly.


Brit:

I actually really liked that


Steve:

Me too.



Steve’s Ranking: I’d stan that too

Brit’s Ranking: <3

Chelsea’s Ranking: For a ballad, it’s one of the bad ones





Greece — Victor Vernicos / “What They Say”

Chelsea:

Please be a banger, please be a banger.


Victor Vernicos - What They Say | Greece 🇬🇷 | Official Music Video | Eurovision 2023
 
Click to load YouTube video.

Steve:

No way. This is like sad boy bedroom pop, like there’s something kind of amaturish.


Brit:

I don’t like the way he breaks up his words.


Chelsea:

You guys thought that other one had an off rhythm. This one is really bad. He probably should have sung in Greek. He probably could have made it flow better.


Steve:

At least he gets to be rained on on his sofa. Isn’t that what everyone dreams of?


Chelsea:

Yeah, when I make my first music video, I just want to make sure that there’s a ton of rain!


Brit:

That I’m wet for most of it.


Steve:

Oh god, we have to have a clap hand break down.


Chelsea:

That’s the only thing that saves it.


Steve:

Saves it?


Chelsea:

Yeah, the next time I have too much on my plate, I’m just gonna sing “I have too much on my plate” and start clapping my hands.


Steve’s Ranking: I have too much on my plate to have room for this in my heart

Chelsea’s Ranking: Very, very forgettable

Brit’s Ranking: I already forgot it





Iceland — Diljá / “Power”


Diljá - Power | Iceland 🇮🇸 | Official Music Video | Eurovision 2023
 
Click to load YouTube video.

Chelsea:

I’m not impressed so far.


* Back up singers come in *


Chelsea:

Okay.


Brit:

We’re picking up a bit.


Chelsea:

I like her voice.


Brit:

I like her whole look, her oversized clothes, her buns, they’re baller.


Chelsea:

Honestly, I’m just biased towards Iceland, but I could see myself putting this on one of those girlpower playlists, you know where you just want to get pumped about being a lady.


Steve:

I’m really lukewarm on it. when the beat comes in it picks up, but it’s still kind of languid. I feel like I’ve heard the exact beat like a lot of times elsewhere, and for me, I just don’t feel like it’s bringing the amount of energy I want to have coming along with the beat and the backing vocals.


Chelsea’s Ranking: Iceland’s bringing it like always and forever

Brit’s Ranking: It’s a hot lady jam

Steve’s Ranking: Meh





Romania — Theodor Andrei / “D.G.T. (Off and On)”

Chelsea:

I have high hopes. This guy looks very cute.


Theodor Andrei - D.G.T. (Off And On) | Romania 🇷🇴 | Official Music Video | Eurovision 2023
 
Click to load YouTube video.

Chelsea:

Okay, he is very cute, but what are these gals in the background doing?


Steve:

Is he like supposed to be singing a loungey song from a strip club backroom?


Chelsea:

Well, at least it’s in Romanian.. Well, I hope it’s in Romanian, because if not I cannot understand this English.


Brit:

I don’t like this one, because they have these girls like on leeshes, or chains. It’s like very strange.

Chelsea:

But that is an aesthetic that Eurovision really likes. I hate it. I think it’s like really rock & roll or something. It’s just really theatrical and stupid and his beetlejuice pants are dumb.


Steve:

Musically, I don’t hate it. Like if I close my eyes, it’s like a sleazy loungey song. It has some good sounds. It’s well arranged. He sings with a lot of masculine energy.


Chelsea:

And his terrible style doesn’t take away from his cute face.


The singer’s shirt is removed to reveal “MAKE LOVE NOT WAR” written on his chest, and he howls a falsetto.


Steve:

What the fuck?


Brit:

Why is that what we end on.


Steve’s Ranking: I like it, if I have my eyes closed.

Chelsea’s Ranking: Not terrible

Brit’s Ranking: I am not a fan of the backup dancer situation



Second Semifinal, Second Half




Albania — Albina & Familja Kelmendi / “Duje”

Steve:

I think she’s accompanied by her family


Albina & Familja Kelmendi - Duje | Albania 🇦🇱 | Official Music Video | Eurovision 2023
 
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The video starts.

Chelsea:

Love it so far. She looks like a hot bitch.


Albina starts to sing.


Chelsea:

Love it. I love any song that starts with that. Whatever that is. Primordial yodelling.


Steve:

I could get down to this beat.

She’s definitely bringing an energy I deeply appreciate and have missed in other entries.


Chelsea:

I love it.


Brit:

I like the music a lot.


Chelsea:

Me too.

I can’t wait to see them live. If they don’t make it to the finals, I’d love to watch the semifinals for this.


Steve’s Ranking: That was really good

Chelsea’s Ranking: A breath of fresh air

Brit’s Ranking: Love the fam






Australia — Voyager / “Promise”


Voyager - Promise | Australia 🇦🇺 | Official Music Video | Eurovision 2023
 
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Steve:

I love this beat.


Chelsea:

The beat so far is OK. I don’t want it to get too much more rocky though.


Steve:

This bridge is really cliched.

Oh yeah! look at those guitars in the chorus.


Chelsea:

Yeah it was fine until that.


Steve:

Oh I love them, they’re so cheesy. And oh, the way that he kind of over enunciates things in falsetto really brings me joy. Like “hu-man touch”


The singer starts to scream.


Chelsea:

Oh hell no.


Brit:

There it is! I was waiting. Cause he has the hair, like that’s the way he’d sing it.


Steve:

I’m excited to hear him sing like that live on stage. And wow, I love these cheesy solos. They go absolutely nowhere. Honestly, they need more noodling. That’s my main disappointment. They have a lot of cheesy sounds, and some of the substance of old school music, but they just don’t noodle around enough! Play twenty notes when two would suffice!

They felt like a band that was doing a song that was theirs, that was still kinda original, and I respect it.


Steve’s Ranking: I like it, but I want it to have three times as many notes

Brit’s Ranking: Down to the screamo

Chelsea’s Ranking: No thank you





Austria — Teya and Salena / “Who the Hell Is Edgar?”


Teya & Salena - Who The Hell Is Edgar? | Austria 🇦🇹 | Official Music Video | Eurovision 2023
 
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Steve:

Edgar is…. Edgar Allen Poe? Who inspires lyrics? Like is he gonna rap about Tell-Tale Hearts.

I didn’t know I needed this in my life, but I did.


Brit:

I’m living for this right now. This is a bop.


Chelsea:

I really like this, and these ladies look really dope.


“Gas station champagne is on me.”


Steve:

I love that this song is like probably inspired by “Poe” being a monosyllabic author name that they could make a song about. And they took this simple idea and executed it so beautifully.


Brit:

And the dance that goes along with it is so good too.


Chelsea:

I really liked that!


Brit:

That’s gonna be in my top for sure.


Steve’s Ranking: I would not only stan that, but I’d get down to it. I think I’d let it possess me.

Brit’s Ranking: Certified jam

Chelsea’s Ranking: I think I found the next Eurovision artist I’m going to try to find on tour


I’d like to interject here, because, well, I actually looked at the lyrics, and the part of the song leading up to “gas station champagne is on me” is effectively protesting the state of poor streaming royalties for artists.

As in, “I could be writing hit songs and possessed by the ghost of Edgar Allen Poe, but I would still be earning less than a penny if someone listens to my song, and thus I’d still be poor anyway.” It’s a nice message to sneak into a cheeky fun song, and I hope it’s staged well!






Georgia — Iru / “Echo”


Iru - Echo | Georgia 🇬🇪 | Official Music Video | Eurovision 2023
 
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The song opens, guns blazing, with a lot of stuff in the pre-chorus.


Steve:

I’d be into this. It just needs to have a good… something.


The song settles down into its verses.


Steve:

I’m definitely a lot more into the verses than the chorus.


Brit: The chorus is nothing special.


Chelsea:

I want to like it but I feel like it’s not giving me anything.


Steve:

I feel like it’s a lot of pop tropes that have been thrown together from a lot of sources, and they’re assembled in a way that doesn’t really make sense and is kind of soulless…

But actually, the more I listen to it, the more I like it. Maybe if the vocals were higher in the mix, it would help?


Chelsea:

I could see this being a song where if you played it in the car, I wouldn’t be upset, but I wouldn’t be putting it on a playlist anytime soon.


Steve:

They should have cooked it longer.


Steve’s Ranking: Seriously underwhelming

Brit’s Ranking: Average at best

Chelsea’s Ranking: It was average at best





Lithuania — Monika Linkytė / “Stay”


Monika Linkytė - Stay | Lithuania 🇱🇹 | Official Music Video | Eurovision 2023
 
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Steve:

I love that she’s singing in Lithuanian and has backing vocalists.


Chelsea:

She’s very cute! …and in English now. :(


Steve:

I hope this builds up to something good.


The build leads to a beat.


Steve:

Yeah, we got a beat. And we have some scatting mimicking a heart beat. And I’m here for it.

We got a piano doin that 4-4 rhythm.

I really like this.


Brit:

I’m not actually, like opposed to this. I wish there were more moments where it built and then broke, because it kind of gets a little boring in some parts. But, the chorus, I really like that.


Steve:

I think it’s a ballad, so you can’t expect too much excitement. But it’s a good ballad, and that’s what counts.


Chelsea:

She seems happy.


Steve’s Ranking: I’m gonna start scat singing the next time someone puts a stethoscope up to me

Chelsea’s Ranking: Nothing special

Brit’s Ranking: Just OK






Poland — Blanka / “Solo”

Steve:

This one has some controversy, because… well, Blanka basically won the Polish National Selection after losing the audience vote, but being a favored singer from the national broadcaster and possibly also by colluding with the judges.

So I’m expecting another Rafal, and very sadly, not another Ochman.


Blanka - Solo | Poland 🇵🇱 | Official Music Video | Eurovision 2023
 
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Steve:

Okay. She’s definitely trying to sell, “I’m in a bikini, guys!”


Chelsea:

Polish girls are very, very thin. Do you remember going to Poland, and wondering, why do all of you look like rails?


Brit:

Yes!


Steve:

Musically I would all this completely tired.


Chelsea:

And this is not very representative of Poland.


Steve:

They’re definitely trying to sound Latin-esque with that solo, solo, and we have that guitar on the beat and occasional guitar songs.

I think this is my least favorite thing I’ve heard so far, because it was not even forgettable in a way I enjoyed making fun of.


Chelsea:

I ain’t mad about it.


Chelsea’s Ranking: I’d put it on a playlist

Steve’s Ranking: I want to forget it

Brit’s Ranking: Overtired & overplayed






San Marino — Piqued Jacks / “Like an Animal”


Piqued Jacks - Like An Animal | San Marino 🇸🇲 | National Final Performance | Eurovision 2023
 
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Chelsea:

What is this? Did they just start?


Brit:

Yeah, like out of nowhere.


Chelsea:

Was that weird, or just me?


Brit:

No. That was weird.


Chelsea:

What are these lyrics?

“This sex is gonna make you paralyzed”?

I don’t need that in my life!


Brit:

“I can smell you like an animal”

Uh, no.


Chelsea:

I hate this!


Steve:

“You have a biting tongue” ugh, no.

Like, if I’m trying to think of anything good about this, they have a nice guitar tone.


Chelsea:

You’re being very charitable, Steve.


Brit:

I just hate the words.


Chelsea:

I just hate the whole thing.


Steve:

I’m just confused because San Marino had a music competition to choose this. And I don’t understand how this would win any competition. Like it was over five days or something. How did we end up with this?


Steve’s Ranking: Pass

Chelsea’s Ranking: I hated it

Brit’s Ranking: No thank you






Slovenia — Joker Out / “Carpe Diem”


Joker Out - Carpe Diem | Slovenia 🇸🇮 | Official Video | Eurovision 2023
 
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Steve:

I love the vibe. I love the 4:3 aspect ratio


Chelsea:

I love the outfits. And they’re singing in Slovenian, which is dope.


Steve:

And they have a great bass. I love the falsetto backing vocals, and I want more of it.

Yeah, I would party to this.


Brit:

I like this a lot. This reminds me of some 2010’s indie dance party music.


Chelsea:

OOh, and that’s some cute [post-chorus] guitar. I like that guitar!


Steve:

I was definitely thinking ’00s indie dance music, like it could sit comfortably alongside LCD Soundsystem or mid-period of Montreal or whatever


Brit:

It kind of reminds me of Phoenix


Steve:

But it’s still fresh, which is good.



Steve’s Ranking: This is my jam

Chelsea’s Ranking: B+

Brit’s Ranking: Totally danceable


Automatic Qualifiers




France — La Zarra / “Évidemment”


La Zarra - Évidemment | France 🇫🇷 | Official Music Video | Eurovision 2023
 
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Steve:

We got some over the top orchestral stuff.


Chelsea:

Great Gatsby bullshit.


Steve:

I like that the instrumentation got much more subdued once we got things going in the initial verse, some baritone guitar and the orchestra playing off each other. It got a little overbearing leading up to the chorus, which somehow morphs into… standard electrodisco stuff.


Chelsea:

I like it.


Brit:

I kind of like this part [the chorus] now. Like, the more that I’m listening to it.


Steve:

I think it covers a lot of ground musically, and it does it about as well as it can.


Chelsea:

And for as bougie as French sounds, it is beautiful.


Brit:

And look at her outfit.


Chelsea:

She is giving real “French is culture, French is beautiful, French is classic” vibes. And she said something about to sing to French, so she knows it too. And she has her beret.’


Brit:

I liked that. I liked that beat. And it’s nice that, even though they automatically qualified, they still put effort into it.


Chelsea’s Ranking: Évidemment it’s a bop

Steve’s Ranking: It’s pretty good

Brit’s Ranking: Good, not great






Germany — Lord of the Lost / “Blood & Glitter”

Steve:

Germany’s is “Blood and Glitter”


Chelsea:

So basically me when I’m on my period?


Lord Of The Lost - Blood & Glitter | Germany 🇩🇪 | Official Music Video | Eurovision 2023
 
Click to load YouTube video.

We start the song.


Steve:

The very quiet opening with the gruff vocals just felt so cheesy and pathetic, but at least the chorus has the screaming and power and they can do it.


Chelsea:

I wish I had this band when I was in middle school, when I was weirdly into metal, but still Chelsea. That’s kind of the vibe they’re giving me. I just don’t know that I’m into it anymore.


Brit:

I like that they’re bringing a tenderness and glitter to dark screamo. It’s like everyone can be part of screamo. You can love glitter and screamo.


Chelsea:

Yeah, they’re being inclusive with their genre.

And you know, it’s all about the dichotomy. “Blood and glitter, sweet and bitter.” They’re really drawing some contrasts here.


Steve:

They should focus on screaming and crazy rythyms and nothing else.

I kind of wish I hated it more than I do.


Brit:

Right?


Chelsea:

That laser sound is killing me!


Steve’s Ranking: More blood, less glitter

Brit’s Ranking: More glitter, less blood

Chelsea’s Ranking: I thought it was the perfect amount of both






Italy — Marco Mengoni / “Due vite”


Marco Mengoni - Due Vite | Italy 🇮🇹 | National Final Performance | Eurovision 2023
 
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Soft piano opening…


Chelsea:

Oh no


Steve:

You know the Italians love their ballads.


Chelsea:

But sometimes they make me cry because they’re so pretty… but not really.

Really, they’d only make me cry because they’re in Italian and they’re pretty as fuck. Otherwise, he just looks like that guy from Dashboard Confessional.


Steve:

It really sounds like he’s straining his voice on the bridge


Chelsea: The only good thing about this is that it’s in Italian.


Brit:

It’s giving me like a Marc Anthony, Enrique, Justin Timberlake, male vocal vibe.


Steve:

I feel like the longer the song goes on, the less I like it.


Brit:

Yeah, I feel like I liked it more a little bit ago.


Chelsea:

The beat was bringing me back into it a little…

Oh look, he’s trying to get the audience to sing for him.

This is agonizing


Steve:

It’s not that bad.


Brit:

It’s going on longer than I’d like it to.


Chelsea:

I am really not looking forward to the finalé because I know I’ll have to watch this again.


Steve:

He really fails at that big note. This is a real disappointment for Italy.



Steve’s Ranking: Depressing, and not because it moved me

Chelsea’s Ranking: It couldn’t have been longer

Brit’s Ranking: Left me wanting more and less





Spain — Blanca Paloma / “Eaea”


Blanca Paloma - Eaea | Spain 🇪🇸 | Official Music Video | Eurovision 2023
 
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Chelsea:

Ooh, another song that starts with primordial yodelling. And I love that beat.


Steve:

I love the synth sounds in the background. This is like experimental techno flamenco and it’s so cool. It could just keep doing this for three minutes and I would be happy. The lyrics are really nice too.


Brit:

I dig this. Techno flamenco is right.


Chelsea:

I hope that she also goes on tour. I want to listen to some of her other stuff. I also hope that she can deliver when she’s live, because it is such a vocally-driven song.


Steve’s Ranking: Really fucking cool

Chelsea’s Ranking: One of my tops

Brit’s Ranking: Goodness for the years






Ukraine — Tvorchi / “Heart of Steel”

Steve:

I feel like this is going to be one of those “let’s send a dumb song so we don’t win again” songs.


TVORCHI - Heart Of Steel (Eurovision Version) | Ukraine 🇺🇦 | Official Music Video | Eurovision 2023
 
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Steve:

I have to roll my eyes at the line “life is just a game and I play for the win”


Chelsea:

I think that “sticking your middle finger up in the air” is so overplayed. I’m over that.

This is underwhelming.


Brit:

I feel like some of these beats are played out.


Steve:

It sounds like it wants to be an old Bruno Mars song.


Chelsea:

I don’t know about that. I feel like it’s trying to be way more forgettable than Bruno Mars. Like J. Cole. Does anyone remember J. Cole besides me? No.


Steve:

I think they really could have done something that would have celebrated Ukranian culture and music, something like “Stefania” that could have been really nice and wonderful. But I think they just didn’t want to win again.


Chelsea’s Ranking: Not original

Steve’s Ranking: Boring and forgettable

Brit’s Ranking: Subpar






United Kingdom — Mae Muller / “I Wrote a Song”


Mae Muller - I Wrote A Song | United Kingdom 🇬🇧 | Official Music Video | Eurovision 2023
 
Click to load YouTube video.

The intro starts.


Steve: I like these synths


Chelsea:

She looks good.


The beat starts


Steve:

I like this beat


Chelsea:

I’m into it so far.


Steve:

OK, so the UK still gives a fuck.


Chelsea:

She wants to be Dua Lipa. This is a very Dua Lipa music video, but I don’t mind that cause I like Dua Lipa.


Brit:

I like this.


Chelsea:

I love that the song is her celebrating how she self-regulated. And we should have more songs about how people put their efforts into doing things for themselves and how productive it is.


Steve:

I could do without the Latin-inspied bassline.


Chelsea:

Yeah, but like you said earlier, it’s what’s hot-ish now.


Steve:

Okay, I love the spoken word bridge.


Chelsea:

I could see this getting big.


Brit:

It’s a bop!


Chelsea:

I kinda hope it gets big in the us actually. She could really go on to do some really cool shit, I think. She has the looks, she has the production people.



Steve’s Ranking: Good but nothing special

Brit’s Ranking: It’s a car bop

Chelsea’s Ranking: Surpassed my expectation by a country mile



Overall Thoughts

Steve:

Phew! That was a lot of songs. I definitely feel like this was a weaker year than the last few, but hey, there are some really nice ones in here.

I think I’m rooting for Austria, but I’d also be happy to see Spain, Slovenia, the Czech Republic, Denmark, or Estonia.

I would gladly, gladly never listen to Poland, Switzerland, Azerbaijan, Greece, or Italy ever again.

What would your tops & bottoms be?


Chelsea:

My tops are Austria, Denmark, Belgium, Spain, and then the UK. And if you could add Slovenia and France, I would not be mad if any of those seven won. I would feel like I really connected with other Eurovision viewers if any of those won. If something else wins, I don’t understand people.

Ireland, Switzerland, Azerbaijan, San Marino, and Australia are my least faves.


Brit:

Okay, my bottom ones are the Netherlands, Ireland, Azerbaijan, Switzerland, and Romania.

My tops are Belgium, Austria, Estonia, the UK, and Denmark.

With this being the first year I’ve done this, I’ve been both impressed and surprised by the vocal entries that I’ve experienced this evening.


Steve:

What was the biggest surprise?

Brit: I think how different some of the entries are from one another, and how many of them are in English.


Steve:

I think there’s a lot more in English this year than usual, and I think that’s kind of sad.


Brit:

Yeah. And Ireland needs to do better!

That was fun. I’m so glad we did that.


Chelsea:

Yeah, I’m so glad we did that. Now I get to go update my playlists!

Thanks for reading!

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